I hate Malala Yousafzai. I am variously a 20-something, a 30-something, a 40-something, even a 50-something. I believe I have cogent reasons for hating her. Consider:
I am a patriot. As a patriot, I know that the entire world, Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort, domestic liberals, rights activists, documentary makers, smoking girls, short dresses and the Army of the Dead are conspiring to undermine the integrity of my country. Malala is obviously part of this conspiracy. Why else would she be feted by leaders of the infidel world, who give her standing ovations?
She is a brand and they want to foist the brand on us. As part of the grand conspiracy, they decided to give her a Nobel Prize. You know how this works. It’s like those damned Oscars. The entire game is rigged.
Some of us patriots believe that as part of this grand design to launch her, they got someone to shoot her so she would get injured and the play could begin. The only problem was that the Tehreek-e-Taliban decided to take credit for it and that fellow Adnan Rashid, who was sprung by the TTP from Bannu gaol, even wrote a darned letter to her. All of this was to complicate things and take our attention away from the real conspiracy.
But the discerning know the truth. We know that if Malala were really shot in the head, she wouldn’t have survived. Also, what about the other girl with her? Why is she not being celebrated?
The other day a liberal idiot said to me that I was contradicting myself by first arguing that the entire episode was choreographed and then referring to the other girl who was shot with her. I told him that he needs to learn to go below the surface of things. The best dramatic choreography makes us believe that what we are witnessing is the real thing. Which is why the other girl was shot.
As if on cue, she was taken abroad for treatment. Why? When we have the best doctors here, why did she need to be treated abroad if not for her handlers to whisk her away and work on her brand? Since she left here, she is being worked on and now she has been sent back as a Trojan.
People argue that she has built a school in Shangla for girls. Sure. But they don’t realize that this is meant to discredit Pakistan and present it as a country where girls and women do not have equal opportunities, and we need foreign funding to even build schools.
A sophisticated ploy, for sure. The school will have the opportunity to educate hundreds of girls and instill in them subversive ideas that go against our traditional values. Why doesn’t anyone give funds to Darul Uloom Haqqania, except the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf government? Because, and the libs must understand this, Haqqania is in the forefront of the war against the infidels and holds on to our cherished traditions.
Malala even has a fund and donated, we are told, $7 million for educational projects in Pakistan. This is what I call the philanthropy trap. Besides, it works fine because it’s indoctrination through education, the surest way of sullying young minds. As part of this subtle campaign, she has also been arranging medical vacations for the victims of the Army Public School attack. All this is being done to present her as a messiah, to make it difficult for the patriots to expose the conspiracy that’s been afoot since Longinus and Brutus killed Julius Caesar.
Alas! there’s no Antony here to avenge Caesar.
Instead, we now have a government that actually invites her over and celebrates her. This is precisely the next turn in the brief she has been given by the Night King. Like the dragon pulled out and revived, she is here to bring the wall down, our defense against external aggression. Last I went to Swat, the girls there were already talking about her, resolving to be like her, to get an education and have careers. It all sounds great but no one save the patriots understands the consequences of this emancipation.
As our doyen, the man who wears laal topi, will tell you, this is 4GW: fourth-generation warfare. It’s not just fought with weapons, even though our doyen likes to practice shooting regularly in the event that someone does decide to shoot at him with a weapon. One must be ready to face any eventuality, after all. 4GW is fought on multiple fronts and mostly through non-kinetic means. That’s where Malala, her fund, her foreign funders, her Nobel, her tears and her speeches come in.
Our adversaries are geniuses. They have weaponized a young girl against the patriots and the entire qaum is berating them and refusing to appreciate the risks the patriots are taking to reveal the plot against Pakistan. Even Haqqania, the alma mater of many a proud mujahid, is quiet. That speaks for how efficiently and effectively this war is being waged. Let someone not say that I didn’t warn this nation.
Haider is editor of national-security affairs at Capital TV. He was a Ford Scholar at the Program in Arms Control, Disarmament and International Security at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, and a visiting fellow at the Brookings Institution, Washington, D.C. He tweets @ejazhaider